Monday, November 12, 2012

Monday Musings...

So I had what some could consider a bad weekend.
 My son's father and I decided to call it splitsville and  he took my car ( which was actually his. ) This has left me boyfriendless and carless.
Thank GOD for my family who is standing by me and helping me in every way they possibly can.
What's really odd, is that even though I was upset for a few minutes Saturday ( literally ) when it all went down, after I calmed down, I felt this great feeling of peace and calm come over my body. Like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was free.
You see, my baby daddy and I don't get along. We've been together for 5 and a half years, split up several times and tried to work things out every time. As with most break-up/make-up relationships, it's great for a little while, but then everything goes back to normal. We fight over nothing and everything. In his eyes, he does no wrong and in mine, I'm the perfect angel my mother says I am.
I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good person. I do my best to not judge others or gossip. What choices other people make is not my business. I may not go to church every Sunday, but I live the Christian life the best I can. But it's hard to live with someone who does not share these morals with you.
In his eyes, I am just a bossy, mouthy pain in the tush who is lazy. Keep in mind, that for 90% of our relationship, I have been the only one employed. I think I do a good job of getting my lazy tush up every day, get to work, come home and spend time with my precious little prince. I think that's enough. I've given up most of my social life because of him. I wanted to badly to dedicate my life to being the perfect mom and wife. Apparently, to him, that wasn't enough.
When he was giving me the lecture about how lucky I was that he took me back, I was just staring at him. Not with disgust or anger or any other emotion that someone has when they have been broken up with, but with confidence. At that moment, I knew he was not the man I wanted him so badly to be, and as much as I have held out the hope that he would become this great man that would take care of me and our son, I realized he never will.
He is who he is, I am who I am.
You can only enter to ring to fight so much before you realize you need to throw in the towel before you get KO'ed. ( I think that was a great boxing analogy, and I don't watch boxing! )
I've been suffering with a great amount of depression since we've been together, especially in the past few years. I though it could be attributed to the birth of my son, but I realized I'm depressed because someone is making me feel worthless. On Saturday, when he was removed from the equation, I felt better. I felt even better yesterday and even more so today. I know every day will get better and I will be able to get my life back on track. Of course, being the empathetic person that I am, I wish him nothing bad. In fact, I pray for him. I pray that he can put his feelings for me aside to raise our son in a civilized and amicable manner. After all, my baby prince is the one who will hurt the most from our bad choices.
I'm walking away from a relationship with the father of my child, the only man I could see myself being married to, and I'm feeling pretty damn good about it.

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